“How are you?” A question of depth and trust
Updated: Oct 12
“Guten Tag!”
It was an average day years ago in Berlin, Germany, when I greeted a stranger at a bus stop with my cheerful hello. Her startled response—“Kennen wir uns?” or “Do we know each other?”—highlighted a cultural difference in how we acknowledge others. My mother always taught me to greet people when entering a shared space, so that's what I did. But that moment reminded me that not everyone approaches greetings in the same way.
Reflecting on this in the context of life in the United States, I noticed how we often use the phrase “How are you?” as an automatic greeting rather than a sincere question. Europeans sometimes remark that Americans smile too much—not out of overflowing joy, but because our smiles can feel hollow. The same can be said for our casual use of this question. It raises the question: When we ask, are we truly prepared to listen? Or are we simply going through the motions?
An honest answer, an unready listener
In 2020, during the height of the pandemic and the global reckoning sparked by George Floyd’s murder, a senior leader at my workplace scheduled virtual coffee chats to check in with employees. When my turn came, she opened with that familiar inquiry, “How are you?” I answered truthfully, sharing the toll these events had taken on me as a Black woman navigating the weight of it all.
Her response was abrupt: “I didn’t want to hear all that. I’m calling because of coronavirus.” She cut the conversation short, ending our scheduled 30-minute meeting after just 10 minutes.
This interaction underscored a critical point: if we ask someone about their well-being, we must be ready to hold space for the response—whatever it may be. A performative or insincere inquiry can do more harm than good. It risks making people feel dismissed, or worse, unseen.
Empathy, connection, and the gift of trust
That leader’s reaction reminded me once again of how thoughtlessly we sometimes approach this question, especially in today’s inward-focused world. As a leader, her response wasn’t just dismissive—it was a missed opportunity to build trust and connection. Leaders set the tone for their teams, and failing to engage sincerely with someone’s truth can erode morale, damage relationships, and create a culture of disconnection. By asking without being ready to listen, she failed to uphold one of the most essential qualities of leadership: empathy.
In the wake of the recent election, I’ve experienced this dynamic repeatedly. People have reached out to ask how I’m doing, but many of those who supported the opposing side either dismissed or minimized my feelings—or responded with defensiveness. Their inability to engage with my honesty strained our relationships. Now imagine that same dynamic in a workplace, where collaboration and trust are essential. It highlights the importance of approaching this question with intention.
When someone answers openly and vulnerably, they’re placing trust in us. They’re saying, “I see you as a fellow human, and I’m inviting you to see me, too.” This act of sharing is a profound gift. But it also requires readiness on our part—readiness to listen, to empathize, and to hold space without judgment.
On the other hand, when trust is absent or the question is treated as a mere pleasantry, people often retreat behind safe, surface-level responses like “fine” or “okay.” This isn’t just a missed opportunity for connection—it can have deeper consequences:
Feeling unseen: Without space for truth, people can feel isolated or disconnected.
Increased stress: Hiding emotions creates internal tension.
Erosion of trust: Repeatedly feeling unable to share can damage relationships.
Emotional dissonance: Saying “fine” when it’s not true creates a conflict between inner feelings and outward expressions.
Surface-level relationships: Guarded answers prevent meaningful connections.
Emotional bottling: Suppressing honesty can lead to long-term stress.
This dynamic contributes to the growing epidemic of loneliness, where people feel unseen and unheard. Genuine connection requires patience, respect, and a willingness to engage deeply. And it starts with making space for each person’s truth—even if that truth is uncomfortable.
A call to action: Ask with intention
In our personal and professional lives, we must be mindful that not everyone is “fine.” When we ask about someone’s well-being, it’s important to approach the conversation with sincerity. This seemingly simple question—phrased as “How’s it going?” or “What’s been on your mind lately?”—has the power to shape relationships, especially during times of collective stress or uncertainty.
When you ask, be ready to truly listen. If you’re not in a place to hold space for someone’s response, it’s worth pausing before asking. And if someone offers only a brief “okay,” recognize that it might be a protective measure, a sign that they aren’t ready to share more. Respecting these boundaries is just as important as being open to deeper connections.
By asking with care, we create a culture where people feel seen, heard, and valued. We’re saying, “I see you, and I’m interested in your story.”
Hey reader, how are you?
So next time you ask someone about their well-being, consider the weight of your words. Be prepared to receive their answer as a gift of trust and an invitation to connect. And in that spirit, I invite you to pause and reflect:
So...how are you, Reader?
